An Amestrian Christmas
by departedsoul13
Summary: Modern AU. It's Christmas in Amestris, and Ed's anti-joy and goodwill. Meanwhile, Alphonse does all he can to get in the Christmas spirit. With two days left until the 25th, join the Elrics as they survive parties, Roy Mustang, and each other.
1. You Need Help, Mr Grinch

An Amestrian Christmas

AU

Edward is a ruffian, Alphonse the Santa-believer, Roy the neighborhood pretty boy, and Santa nearly killed.

* * *

Chapter 1: You Need Help, Mr. Grinch

* * *

"Ugh! You're not getting a Christmas gift this year and that's that!"

Ed kicked up snow as he stormed off, a suit of armor clambering after him.

"Wait, Brother! I know…We don't have enough money for any, anyways, since you quit your job…"

"I didn't _quit_ , Al, they _suspended_ me. Who needs 'em, anyway? I'm a child prodigy; I can get a job anywhere!"

Alphonse sighed as they stopped at a damp, snow-dotted corner and waited for the light to change.

"If that were the case, we wouldn't be running from the MPs, would we?"

"Shut up! It was just a little property damage, they'll get over it. That lady's purse would have been stolen!"

"That car you drove through the radio station _was_ stolen." Dryly replied Al.

Edward huffed and sauntered across the street as the light changed.

"I got the job done, didn't I? And I get my crummy job with the military back in January, so it's no big deal."

Alphonse put a hand to his helmet in exasperation. Now was one of those times that he'd kill for his human body, just to shake his head at his brother's thought process.

"Okay, okay. But back to Christmas-"

"No gifts." Declared Edward.

"Right, but we can at least make something, right?"

Edward laughed.

"Make something? Like what, meth? A crappy card? Yeah, right!"

While Edward chuckled to himself, Alphonse grew downtrodden.

"Brother…but it's Christmas. It's the thought that counts, right?"

Again, Ed barked a laugh as he turned left onto Battalion Drive.

"Lemme guess, you already made me some crappy card."

"No…" Replied an irritated Alphonse. "But you don't have to be so humbug! It's Christmas!"

"Christmas sucks!"

Ed kicked the snow lining the sidewalk for emphasis.

"It's a consumeristic holiday celebrating eating and buying and trespasser pedophilia."

"Santa isn't a pedophile!"

"He breaks into houses at night for little kids!"

"To give them _presents_! And **you** don't like Santa just because he **drinks milk**." Deduced Al.

"It's disgusting cow secretion! It's like cow pee but _not_!"

Al sighed, wondering how he was stuck with such a sibling as they turned onto their street. A familiar sight met them upon arrival.

"Well, well. If it isn't our little scientist. Out Christmas shopping?"

Smirking, Roy Mustang leaned on the shovel he had been scraping snow with. Ed growled, firing a glare at his former boss.

"Um, hello, Mr. Mustang!"

"Hello, Alphonse."

"Are you getting ready for Christmas? It's in two days!"

"Well, I've been pretty busy with the _work I didn't get suspended from_ …" Edward ground his teeth. "But otherwise I think I'm all set. However, it'd **be great to have someone to spend it with**."

Across the street, the passing neighborwoman shot Roy a glare. He flinched as a snowball nailed him in the face.

"Ow. Tough rejection."

"Do you have a tree?"

Roy nodded as he wiped snow from his face.

"Of course. I **have mistletoe too**." He added loudly, barely dodging another snowball.

"Brother, can we get a tree? Please?"

Ed glared.

"No, Al. We don't need one of those heathenistic green things in our living room."

"They're not heathenistic!"

"Have you seen their prices? Those are straight from Satan."

Al groaned.

"Anyway, see ya, Roy."

"It's 'Sir' to you, Elric."

Edward shrugged as he ambled down the sidewalk.

"Whatever."

After apologizing, Alphonse ran after his brother, leaving Roy to resume his chore.

"Hey, Sir, who was that? The Elrics?"

In front of him, Heymans Breda appeared clutching two cups of coffee.

"Yep. You remember they live on this street, right?" Asked Roy, taking one of the mugs. "Since he's been suspended, Edward's been acting even worse than usual."

Evidence of this was seen down the way, where Edward was chucking snowballs rapid-fire at the little boy across the street.

Roy sighed.

"The kid hates Christmas."

As if to confirm this, Edward charged across the street, kicked over the boy's snowman, and stomped on it demonically.

Alphonse was appalled.

The little boy burst into tears.


	2. Baby, It's Way Too Frickin' Cold Outside

Chapter 1: Baby, It's Way Too Frickin' Cold Outside

* * *

Running into Roy never improved Ed's mood. In fact, it did quite the opposite. After storming into his home, Ed kicked off his shoes and planted himself on their living room couch. He heard Alphonse entering after him, pausing to pick up and clean the carelessly thrown shoes. Resting his feet on the coffee table, he picked up a red binder and began to peruse its documents.

"Brother! Look what we got in the mail!"

Alphonse had finished his task and arrived with envelopes clutched in his metal grasp. Edward glanced back at his papers.

"Bills?"

Edward could only hope.

"No! Christmas invites!"

Ed groaned.

"Who from this year?"

Al handed Edward the letters, knowing from experience how difficult it was to pristinely open envelopes with large tin hands.

Edward skimmed the address on the first envelope—a red one with slanted, cursive scrawl. Squinting, he made out the surname "Hughes." He sighed, tearing the letter open.

"It's from Hughes. He wants us to join him at the party he's hosting for New Year's."

"New Year's?" Repeated Alphonse, confused.

Ed frowned.

"Guess he's eager for it. Wait, there's another paper in here inviting us to their Christmas Eve party. Cost efficient…"

"Christmas Eve? That's tomorrow!"

Ed shrugged and tossed the invite elsewhere on the couch.

"Better late than never, right?"

"Are we going?"

Ed laughed.

"You can. Last year, when they dragged us there, we couldn't leave for hours, remember? Even Mustang thought we were going to have to fight our way out."

Alphonse uneasily chuckled.

"Yeah…But you have to admit that their hospitality is nice."

Again, Ed shrugged. Hoping Alphonse would drop the subject, he turned back to his binder.

"Ed, what does the other card say?"

The older brother groaned, picking up the second card and staring at its address.

He flipped it over to find a wax seal stamping the envelope shut. Frowning, he turned to the front once more.

"Well, aren't you going to open it?"

Ed frowned again.

"Do I have to? I keep hoping the name will change…"

"Ed!"

"Fine…"

Reluctantly, Edward tore open the envelope from the Armstrong family. Unlike the personally scrawled out letter from Hughes, this invitation was pristinely typed out with a watermarked background and illegible signatures at the bottom. After skimming the message, Edward turned to his brother.

"And?"

"It's from the Armstrong family, most likely Major Armstrong. It's inviting us to their Christmas dinner."

"Wow, really? When's that?"

Ed fell back into the couch.

"Tonight…"

* * *

Later that day, Alphonse was outside clearing snow off their driveway, whistling a tune all the while.

"Hello, Alphonse."

The armor looked up to see First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye standing before him garbed in a long blue peacoat.

"Hello, Lieutenant. How are you?"

"Well."

The lieutenant shifted, tightening her scarf.

"I stopped by to wish you boys an early Christmas."

She handed Alphonse a cubed package that she had been cradling.

Al stared at it, then turned back to her.

"What is it?"

The lieutenant wryly smiled.

"It's a pie."

"A pie? Thank you, First Lieutenant! I'm sure Big Brother will like this."

The two chuckled, both familiar with Edward's insatiable appetite.

"There are also some pieces for ornament making in there. I recall you mentioning the other day how you wished you could decorate but had Edward in the way."

"You remembered that? Thank you!"

A cold wind blew, messing up the lieutenant's neatly wrapped scarf.

"Would you like to come inside?" A worried Alphonse questioned.

Though he couldn't feel the cold, just looking around reminded him well that others could.

The lieutenant shook her head.

"No, I'll be going. I need to stop by the Colonel's and see how his decorating is coming."

She regarded Alphonse thoughtfully.

"What are you boys doing for Christmas?"

Al sighed.

"Oh, I don't know. Usually we just spend a quiet day at home. This year Ed's even more against the whole 'celebrate Christmas' idea than usual. He won't even let me mention it without having a fit."

The lieutenant's gaze softened.

"If you don't have any plans, feel free to stop by the Colonel's. The rest of the office plans on meeting there Christmas Day."

"Are you sure?" The lieutenant nodded.

"Colonel Mustang may not seem like it, but even he wouldn't want you boys to be alone on Christmas."

While Alphonse thought this offer over, the lieutenant took her leave and he waved her goodbye, watching as she walked down the street to Mustang's house.

Pausing in his chore, the armor teen returned to the house where he found Edward rearranging notes on the Philosopher's Stone atop their kitchen island.

"Brother, look what Lieutenant Hawkeye brought you."

Al set the box down on the page Ed was skimming, breaking the prodigy's concentration.

"Huh? What? Oh, Lieutenant Hawkeye was here?"

Edward glanced down at the box.

"What's this?"

"Open it." Al urged.

Shrugging, Ed complied and tore into the box, discovering a pie and numerous oddities for Christmas décor.

"Why is there a bag of popcorn in here? Pre-popped?"

Ed raised an eyebrow as he examined the food.

"For Christmas decorations." Alphonse chirped happily.

Ed's face contorted into a pissed-off glare.

"No! We don't need Christmas!"

Alphonse crossed his arms.

"Well, Lieutenant Hawkeye brought those over to be nice, so we at least have to use them."

Ed growled, leaving Alphonse to remember that his older brother had the stubbornness and rage of a toddler.


	3. It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like A

Chapter 3: It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like a Disturbingly Traumatic Christmas

* * *

It was about three o'clock in the afternoon.

Ed was reclining in the living room with his feet kicked up on the coffee table as usual, reading an alchemical journal.

Al was busy in the kitchen, attempting to evenly stick colored gumdrops onto the top of his Western-style gingerbread house via frosting and determination.

Then a knock came from their door.

Both boys looked toward the door, but neither moved to answer it. After a few moments, and a few more raps at the door, Edward took action.

"Al, answer the door!"

"I can't! My gumdrops will be uneven if I stop now!"

Edward turned around on the couch and glared at his brother a few feet away from him in the kitchen.

"Do you even realize what you just said?"

"But, Ed-"

"Screw your gumdrops, Al! Answer the door!"

"No! You do it!"

"Al, as your older brother, I swear I'll-"

As the two bickered, the guest at the door grew impatient and invited himself in. For some reason, Ed had left the door unlocked after venturing outside to chase off Alphonse's favorite neighborhood cat.

"Brother, you're just a heartless Grinch who's refusing to answer the door for fear of Christmas joy and cheer!"

"Oh man, I didn't even think of that. Carolers! They could be carolers! I swear I'm not ever answering that godforsaken door 'til Janu-"

The clearing of a throat caught the boys' attention.

In the living room stood Roy Mustang wearing his black dress pants, a white button-up dress shirt, a black coat, and holding a squawking, thrashing chicken by its feet.

"Colonel Mustang?"

"What the hell is that and why is it in my house?" Demanded Edward.

Unlike the wide-eyed, piqued looks of the boys, Mustang stood impassively, holding the bound chicken as if it were no more than a bouquet of roses.

"So, I got this from work-"

He lazily gestured to the chicken with his free hand.

"How. How did you get a live chicken from work?" Exclaimed Edward. "You work for the military!"

"-but I don't know what to do with it. I figured I'd kill it and eat it on Christmas, but Havoc won't come back for a few hours and I don't know any other hicks who'd have the skills for this. In case you're asking, I've already asked Lieutenant Hawkeye but she's not sure she'd do it right."

"No! No one was asking anything! Get that thing and your overly-dressed ass out of my house!"

"Edward!"

Roy smirked at Alphonse's reprimand.

"And I figured you guys were from the boondocks, so you'd know how to do this."

"Actually, Colonel Mustang, Ed and I never killed chickens at home."

"What, do you think we're Satanists or something? I'm an alchemist, not a witch doctor!"

"Those things are unrelated, Fullmetal." Smoothly murmured Mustang. "I see," He replied to Alphonse, "so you don't know how to kill it?"

"Well, we've killed other things, like rabbits and foxes, but I'm not sure how similar it'd be to kill a chicken."

"We've seen sheep being killed too. Hey, Mustang. You're from the East; why don't you do it?"

Roy wryly smiled, a glint in his eyes.

"Can't. I wasn't raised in the country. I don't know how."

"What did the military _teach_ you to survive Ishval?" Incredulously pondered Edward.

Roy sighed.

"So do you think you can kill this or…"

"Well, I'm sure we can try, right, Brother?"

Ed pouted and crossed his arms.

"No way."

"Ed!"

"What do we get out of it, Mustang?"

"The thrill to kill."

"Nice try, but I can get that anywhere."

"Disturbing, but true given your circumstances. Free chicken."

Ed groaned.

"What's wrong, Brother? You like chicken."

"Not from Roy Mustang I don't."

This time Al groaned.

"We'll take the free chicken and some candy canes. Ed says he hates them, but he secretly eats them all the time." Added Al in a conspiratorial whisper.

Mustang nodded.

"Deal. Meet me outside in ten."

He turned to leave, only to stop and glance behind at the boys.

"Uh, you do kill these outside, right?"

Al slowly nodded.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

Ten minutes later, Ed and Al were all decked out in their winter finery, prepared for the arduous journey to Roy Mustang's house, only to find the man loitering in their front yard with various devices around him.

"Why are you at our house?" Yelled Edward with a glare.

The teen tromped over to the military man who was now decked out in a thick winter coat, scarf, and snow pants.

Mustang turned to Edward, handling a butcher's knife.

"You're the ones killing the chicken, not me. It only makes sense to do it here."

Ed screamed incomprehensible gibberish to the air.

"Okay, anyways," Loudly started Alphonse, annoyed, "let's just butcher this chicken."

"Hey, Al, what do you get out of this?" Pondered Edward with a calculating face. "It's not like you love killing animals."

"No, but we're helping Colonel Mustang. You get free food, too."

"Right, but what's in it for you?"

Al shrugged.

"Helping others?"

Ed groaned.

"Nope. Hold it. Can't have you being all selfless for Mustang."

"Alright, would you calm down already?" Ordered Mustang, reaching his irritation's limits.

"Hell no! Make this worth Al's while!"

Roy groaned, feeling a migraine coming on.

" _I knew I should have blocked all those legal shows from the breakroom TV…_ "

He sighed.

"Fine, fine. What do you want, Alphonse?"

The armor put a finger to his head in thought, tapping as he considered his choices.

"Well, Colonel Mustang?"

Said man raised an eyebrow, waiting.

"Could I have-"

" _Say 'a raise for Big Brother!' C'mon, Al! Use your telepathy_!" Mentally prayed Edward.

"A Christmas tree?"

"A _what_?" Screeched Edward.

"Well…that's a little…"

"Hey, cheapskate," Sneered Edward, quickly recovering from his yuletide shock, "you promised the kid anything, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't-"

"Ebenezer Scrooge!" Yelled Ed before Roy finished.

"What?"

The teen smirked.

"If you don't follow through with your good Christmas deeds, three ghosts will visit you and change your ways—for the worse."

Roy rolled his eyes.

"I don't believe in ghosts, Fullmetal."

Still, the continuous glint in Edward's eyes made the man uneasy.

"Doesn't matter. Didn't I mention? I'm the three ghosts, and if you don't get Al his godforsaken, heathenistic, happy-as-a-stoner Christmas tree I'll haunt you for life and make you get that tree through persuasion tactics involving my fist."

Ed flexed his metal arm, opening and balling up his hand into a fist.

Roy stared at him.

"You don't even want the tree." He replied blandly.

Ed screamed.

"Fine! We'll just call Major Armstrong to help you kill this thing!"

Ed swiveled around and began stomping toward the house. Roy's eyes widened and teeth ground together in fear.

"Alright, alright, I'll get you a damn tree! Using your research money." He added to himself.

Ed spun back around, grinning, and Roy swore he saw some resemblance to the devil whom he became acquainted with in Ishval.

"Thanks, Colonel Mustang!" Cheered Alphonse.

The man groaned and put a hand to his head.

"Can we get back to the matters at hand, now, please?"

"You're the one who started it!" Screamed Edward, short-fused as ever.

Mustang opened his mouth in protest, but quickly shook his head, squashing that idea.

"Nevermind. So what should we do first?"

"Kill it." Ed and Al chimed monotonously.

"Uh, right, but…how?"

Edward sighed.

"You know, I think for killing chickens, the hardest part is cleaning them up."

Alphonse nodded vigorously, somehow.

"Alright. So you actually know how to kill this despite your earlier objections?"

Mustang raised an eyebrow, doubting the teenagers he had enlisted. Ed sighed, his face blasé and stare vacant as he looked upon Roy.

"Just give me that butcher's knife. Al."

"On it."

Ed held the knife while Alphonse laid out a plastic tarp Mustang had brought over.

"Mustang, water."

Roy started a bit upon being addressed, zoning out by leaving the boys to do all of the work.

"Right."

"In a bucket preferably. We have some lying by the garden hose at the side."

Roy nodded and disappeared around the house.

The star of the show, the chicken, was sitting in a cage Mustang had procured from when and who-knows-where.

Mustang returned with a bucket full of water, which mysteriously had steam rising from its surface.

"I used a bit of alchemy to warm it up. Don't want to get frostbite."

"I could care less if you get frostbite, but it's more sterile with warm water." Mumbled Edward as he pulled plastic gloves over his hands.

"Everything's ready over here, Brother." Announced Alphonse as he set a tin basin down.

Ed smirked.

"Good. Alright, Roy, watch and learn how it's done." Cockily, Ed approached the chicken, still bound and squawking in its cage. "Al."

"Right."

Alphonse moved to the other side of the cage in case the chicken attempted to fly or jump away.

Edward knelt down, unlocked the cage door, and flipped it open. Immediately, a shrieking chicken popped out of the cage, attempting to jump on Edward and to freedom.

"Whoa, what the hell, calm down!" Ed yelled as he tried securing the chicken.

After a few struggle-filled moments, the teen had the fowl in a headlock. Ed muttered angrily to himself as he marched over to the tarp.

"Al, hold this."

" _Shouldn't I have done that from the beginning_?" The armor thought as he padded over to his brother.

Al held the chicken, impervious to its pecks, while Edward grabbed the butcher's knife from his pocket. In the midst of all this, Roy had seated himself on an overturned bucket and watched idly. He yawned.

"What are you going to do with a butcher's knife? Wouldn't a hunting knife or some other sports knife be better for-"

"Ha!"

Roy's face froze as he caught Edward swinging the butcher's knife down upon the chicken, cleanly severing its head in one swoop. Naturally, blood gushed out of the body, which was frantically moving its legs, attempting to flee Alphonse's grasp.

Ed sighed.

"There. All done." He turned to Roy. "Uh, hey, you did see that right? Next time you find a chicken, don't come to us."

Roy's mouth open and closed, each time with a more perplexed look on his face.

Eventually, the chicken's body stopped moving.

"That's it?"

"Well, yeah. What were you expecti-"

A high pitched scream which could only come from a child broke their conversation.

The trio's heads snapped to see a small boy wearing mittens, an earflap cap, a scarf, boots, and numerous layers of sweaters screaming on the sidewalk, staring directly at the headless chicken, still oozing blood, with wide, traumatized eyes.

"Aw, shit." Roy said.

Alphonse looked from the boy to the chicken, and after a few seconds attempted to move to cover his view.

"No, no, it's okay!" He tried coaxing.

Ed looked impassively at the child, the same kid he had bullied earlier.

Walking up to the child, whose screams died down a bit at this action, he stared down, directly into his eyes with a serious façade.

"All is one, one is all, kid."

The boy resumed his screaming and Roy slapped a hand to his head.

Again, Alphonse was mortified.


	4. O Stupid, Heathenistic Christmas Tree

Chapter Four: O Stupid, Heathenistic Christmas Tree…

* * *

Roy slammed the front door shut and leaned against it, sighing.

"Problem, sir?"

Riza Hawkeye raised an eyebrow as she paused in untangling a string of Christmas lights. Roy frowned. She more than well knew the problem.

For the past forty-five minutes, Roy had been dealing with the police who had been called by a traumatized seven-year-old's enraged mother (who, unfortunately for Roy, was the same neighborwoman he had previously hit on).

After numerous unsentimental platitudes offered to both the police and parent, Roy made a few conspicuous references to his military career and experiences in Ishval that caused the griping to instantly cease.

He and the Elrics got off with a warning.

Presently, he placed a hand to his head in frustration.

"I can't believe I was labelled as the Elrics' impromptu guardian." He groaned as he discarded of his coat and scarf, moving to recline on the couch in exhaustion.

Riza appeared at his side, handing him a cup of hot coffee that he gratefully accepted.

"Well, you were the adult watching them. And as Edward's boss…"

"Okay, but that doesn't mean I have to be responsible for everything they do outside of work."

"Didn't you request for them to kill the chicken? And you set up in their front yard?"

"Not the point, Lieutenant!"

A laugh sounded behind them and the two turned to see Havoc trudge in from the backyard. Shutting the patio door, he put out his cigarette and kicked off his boots.

"I feel like there are a lot of points, sir."

"You weren't even there!"

Havoc shrugged.

"The chicken will be ready by Christmas Day, if you were wondering." He announced, ignoring his boss.

Ironically, while Roy had been at a standstill with the police, the blond country boy arrived earlier than expected. Still, he was a bit too late for his boss' alternate plans.

"I don't care about the damn chicken." Thickly articulated Roy as he moved to chug his coffee.

"Whatever."

Again, Havoc shrugged.

"Hey, the cops are gone!"

Roy's eyebrow twitched as heard an all too familiar voice.

"Why is Edward in my house?"

Sure enough, Ed smugly strode into the room, done hiding in the hallway.

"It was cold outside so we invited him in," Explained Second Lieutenant Havoc.

"He's not in his own house because..?"

"There were police surrounding it, sir."

Roy growled as he recalled Edward's pouting, rebellious face when the officers arrived on-scene.

"Oh, and by the way, don't forget your promise to Al."

Roy calmed down as he stared at the golden haired prodigy.

"Promise?"

Ed frowned.

"Ya know, how you're gonna buy him some stupid, heathenistic Christmas tree?"

This time Roy frowned.

"Right. About that-"

"Christmas tree?"

Havoc perked up.

Ed nodded.

"Yup. Mustang promised Al that he'd buy the kid a Christmas tree if we helped him kill that chicken."

Havoc whistled.

"Big promise, Colonel. When are you gonna pay up?"

"Hopefully never." Roy muttered.

"Y'know, there's still time this afternoon."

Roy froze as he saw Havoc glancing at his watch.

"Time for what..?" He cautiously, already regretfully, questioned.

"Getting a tree. It's almost Christmas, so there are a few places that have 'em on sale."

Inwardly, Roy groaned once more.

"C'mon, Colonel. If we leave now, we'll still have time to get ready for Armstrong's party."

This time everyone audibly groaned.

"Don't mention that!" Roy hissed.

"I'm not even going." Ed announced, blasé and crossing his arms.

"Unfortunately, we're bound into going." Hawkeye revealed.

Ed shot the soldiers a look.

"If you don't go to Armstrong's party, he hounds you afterwards." Havoc elaborated.

"As you can imagine, he's not angry or anything, but very persistent…" Added Roy.

Slowly, Ed nodded.

"Right. And I feel bad for all of you, but since I'm not going and I've got this idiotic little brother…How about that tree?"

* * *

"What is. This. Place."

Roy glared at the general populace milling about Central City. Next to him, Havoc took a long drag from his cigarette before responding. Finished, he blew smoke and tossed the used cigarette to the side.

"Well, sir, this is Central Tree Emporium. It's almost the last place we haven't checked for a Christmas tree."

Roy growled.

"I know!"

"Then why'd you-"

"Havoc, drop it."

Wisely, the second lieutenant shut up and preoccupied himself with getting another smoke. As the adults continued to survey the mega-greenhouse's premises, Edward ground his teeth in rage. At his right, Alphonse stood joyfully surveying the Christmas trees.

"Brother, they have a lot of trees here!"

"Great." Growled Ed, standing with shoulders hunched and hands shoved in his pockets.

"Just find a tree." Wailed an exasperated colonel.

The group began wandering through the slate-colored aisles of Central Tree Emporium, which was a massive, domed greenhouse on the outskirts of Central City. Surprisingly, quite a few people were milling about.

"Poinsettias…" Lieutenant Hawkeye murmured as they walked past a patch of red flowers mixed amongst the forest of pine trees.

"Aren't they poisonous?" Dryly questioned Roy, eying the plants with slight, pained interest.

"Only if you eat the entire patch of them." Replied the lieutenant, strolling past the now-stationary Flame Alchemist.

Roy glared at the poinsettias and glanced ahead, where Edward was unhappily trudging behind an exuberant Alphonse.

"Colonel, Colonel! I found the perfect tree!"

"Thank God." Chorused Havoc and Mustang as they hurried toward the boys.

Up ahead, Alphonse was staring in awe at a giant pine twice the height of his house.

Roy felt a vein pop.

"Alphonse, I know you're not suggesting that we get _this_ tree."

"Of course I know, Colonel. I mean the one next to it."

Roy followed the armor's gesture and found himself staring at a decently sized tree a few inches taller than himself.

"Well, that could work."

He gathered around the tree with the others for closer inspection.

"What's the price?"

"Twenty-five thousand cenz."

Jaw dropping and breath becoming hitched in his throat, Roy staggered backwards.

"It's actually one of the cheaper trees." Added Havoc across the aisle as he read a tree price chart.

He flicked another nearly-dead cigarette into the forest of trees and looked to Roy.

"Whaddaya say, Colonel? You said you were paying for half with Ed's research money anyway."

"You _what_?"

Roy shoved his hands in his pockets, frowning and mentally cursing Havoc.

"No way."

Even two thousand something cenz was too much for a tree not his own.

Edward dismissed his boss' plan with a laugh.

"Hey, playboy, you said you're buying Al a Christmas tree and that's what you're gonna do. With _your own_ money."

Ed grinned and narrowed his eyes .

"What? So broke that a kid has more cash than you? The mighty Flame Alchemist ain't so great afterall!"

Roy ground his teeth and balled his hands into fists.

"Even well-off adults have to budget, Fullmetal." He slowly articulated, biting back his annoyance at Edward's constant jabs.

Ed shrugged and turned around, feigning interest in a tree.

"Sure, sure. I just always thought that adults were supposed to keep their word, y'know? That's how Al and I were raised anyway."

Ed looked over his shoulder, sneering.

Roy growled.

"Alphonse, how about we try looking for another tree?" First Lieutenant Hawkeye suggested, giving up on any solution originating from her superior.

"Okay!"

With a happy demeanor, Alphonse started off with Lieutenant Hawkeye in search of a new tree , Havoc, Mustang, and Edward groaning before following suit.

* * *

"Mustang. You've got to be kidding me."

Edward's eye twitched.

He and the four others stood blank-faced, staring speechlessly at a display of trees that would make the ruins of Ishval look vivacious.

Roy averted his gaze, avoiding both the sorry sight and the implication from Edward.

"Colonel."

He flinched at Lieutenant Hawkeye's voice.

"As Edward said, surely you're joking."

Slowly Roy recentered his gaze.

Before him and the rest of the group sat a pitiful gangle of wilted, tilted, and miniature pony-sized Christmas trees- at least that was what a sign claimed them to be.

Team Mustang seriously had their doubts.

What brought them to such a depressing sight?

The price sticker on the sign proclaiming "2,000 cenz."

Havoc glanced at Roy through narrowed eyes.

"Colonel, you're kidding, right? This is your idea of a bad joke, isn't it? Not very tasteful, but now that you've had your laugh and given Alphonse a heart-attack he can't even physically have, I say let's get going to the next section of trees."

Right. Alphonse.

Lips pressed into a frown and sweat lining his forehead, Roy slowly diverted his gaze to the giant armor elephant in the room, standing quietly in the middle of the group. Of course, no one was facing him for fear of witnessing the scientific miracle of a suit of armor crying.

Roy's eyes fell upon the nondescript armor, devoid of any facial means of expressing discontent.

The suit of armor stared blankly at the pathetic lot of trees.

"Uh, Alphonse?"

Slowly, the other three faced Al at Roy's prompting.

Silence.

"Al-Alphonse?" Mustang tried again, growing mildly worried that his penny-pinching caused the teen's soul to separate from his tin body.

"Al!"

Edward punched his brother.

"Wh-what?" Alphonse stuttered, pulled back to the conversation by the loud clang his body caused.

"You...You okay?" Asked Havoc, eying the teen warily.

Alphonse nervously chuckled.

"Oh, yes, I'm all right. Haha...Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," said Lieutenant Hawkeye. "Colonel Mustang pulled a most distasteful joke."

Again, Roy averted his gaze.

"Anyway, addressing the elephant in the room," began Havoc as he threw his arms behind his head, "we can't get one of these trees. For obvious reasons, but also because I'm pretty sure Alphonse's soul detached from his body for a few seconds there."

Roy managed a pained smile.

"Well, what do you propose we do, Havoc?"

Edward groaned.

Mustang's brow twitched.

"Isn't it obvious, Mustang? Stop playing cheapskate and crushing the kid's dreams!"

Havoc and Hawkeye nodded in agreement.

"Hey… I'm not-"

"You were just trying to give the kid a Christmas tree shorter than Edward and deader than my lungs. C'mon, Colonel." Havoc remarked, rolling his eyes.

Edward growled at Havoc's remark before grinning, an idea clearly fresh in his mind.

"Yeah, and now you owe him a decent Christmas tree, even though that was what you were supposed to buy in the first place…"

Roy huffed.

"Fine, fine…" He lackadaisically agreed. "I think I see some 10,000 cenz ones over there… Let's go…"

"Poor Christmas trees…" Al sadly commented, staring at the practically dead trees before him.

"You sure you don't like any of these ones?" Roy asked, pausing in his stroll toward the next lot.

"Colonel!"

"All right! I'm going, sheesh."

Roy pouted at Lieutenant Hawkeye's sharp remark and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Havoc took a drag of his cigarette and blew smoke.

"Don't be sorry, Alphonse. These ones definitely aren't even Christmas trees. Trust me, I've seen my share of 'em."

"But, Lieutenant Havoc…"

Havoc shook his head.

"Nope. They're not Christmas trees. Geez, I doubt they'd even make good kindling." Havoc remarked with a frown, tossing his partially dead cigarette into the pitiful lot.

"Lieutenant Havoc, you shouldn't throw cigarettes into the woods."

Havoc groaned.

"No, that's what I keep telling you- these aren't the woods. These trees are barely even-"

"Uh, guys?"

The two debating trees looked over at Edward, who was staring into the field and pointing at something. Following his gesture, they shrieked.

" _Fire!_ "

"Shit!"

A thin trail of smoke floated high up to the ceiling. What the trio had seen as a small, campfire-sized blaze quickly spread into a fire the size of a train car.

Havoc dashed into the lot, attempting to stomp out the smaller parts of the currently growing fire.

This action attracted the attention of Hawkeye and Mustang, both who were heading toward the next lot.

Hawkeye ran back to the Elrics.

"What happened?" She demanded, watching Havoc dance about as he attempted putting part of the blaze out with his jacket.

"Uh, spontaneous combustion?" Edward guessed.

Alphonse rubbed the back of his helmet.

"Actually… Second Lieutenant Havoc threw a partially lit cigarette over there."

"You don't know it was me!" Screeched Havoc from above the crackling of flames.

"Havoc! Stop whatever the hell you're doing! You're making it worse!" Yelled Mustang as he too reappeared next to the Elrics.

As if evidence of that claim, Havoc yelped and jumped away from the growing fire. He ran back to the other four, panting.

"Let's get out of here." He huffed. "The sprinklers in this place should kick in any minute now."

Roy glared at him.

"Good god, Havoc- Can't I leave you alone for ten seconds without you starting a forest fire?"

"Shouldn't we call for help?" Asked a worried Alphonse.

"Shouldn't _we_ help?" Asked a rather indifferent Edward. "I mean, we've got the government's favorite arsonist right here. You do something!"

Roy redirected his glare at Edward.

"How in Ishvala's name do you expect me, the Flame Alchemist, to put out a raging inferno when I only start them?"

Edward stared at him.

"How stupid are you? Your alchemy is all about avoiding the stuff that puts out flames! Do some of that!"

"Guys, guys, calm down."

A mix of glares and incredulous looks hit Havoc.

"Relax. Lieutenant Hawkeye has a plan." He said, lighting another cigarette.

Mustang slapped the stick of lung cancer out of his hand.

The group turned to face Lieutenant Hawkeye, who for some reason was panting.

"Lieutenant?"

"I pulled the fire alarm. However, it appears that the system is a bit faulty."

Edward looked at the ceiling.

"Yeah, I'm not hearing an alarm or anything."

"Huh. Guess we should start evacuations." Havoc suggested, rubbing his hand.

Hawkeye nodded and dashed toward the front of the greenhouse.

After a few moments, Mustang grimaced and then covered his nose with his hand.

"Ugh, the smell of burning pine trees… Better than human bodies but still…"

"Stop making this morbid and control the scene!" Screamed Edward, gesturing to the now fully ablaze lot of cheap trees that were burning and crackling faster and louder every second.

"I already told you, Fullmetal, I can't just-"

"Um, Lieutenant Havoc? You didn't happen to throw other half-lit cigarettes into lots of trees, did you?" Asked Alphonse.

"Huh? Well, I guess, but no harm no foul, right? The chances of the other lots catching fire are like-"

Alphonse faced the front of the store and pointed at a slowly thickening black cloud of smoke arising from a forest of trees.

Mustang and Edward glared at Havoc. The latter's face fell.

"It could have been anyone..."

"How! How could it have been anyone?" Screamed Edward. "What? We just happened to go Christmas tree shopping at the same time as Central City's infamous Pine Tree Arsonist? I mean, I could totally understand the trees just self-immolating as a sign that they're from the Devil, but no, unfortunately that's not as probable of a cause compared to your chain-smoking!"

Havoc groaned and Mustang slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Let me guess, Fullmetal, you expect me to try and put out that fire too?"

Ed crossed his arms and shrugged, a lackadaisical frown etched on his face.

"That'd probably be best, since it's your fault we're here in the first place and it's your subordinate who lit the place up."

Roy growled and opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by the shrill ringing of an alarm bell.

For the umpteenth time that day, Roy groaned.

"Now? Now they turn on?"

Again, Ed shrugged.

"Better late than never. Now let's get a stupid tree, okay?" He grumbled.

Roy glared at the shorter boy.

"You expect me to buy a tree while the place is burning down?"

Ed smirked.

"Hey, it's your time to waste. We've spent how long looking for a tree? If we don't get one here, I guess we'll just have to stop somewhere else for one after we evacuate this place."

Roy ground his teeth and again was about to speak when this time a lukewarm shower of water rained down on him.

"Oh great! These are _finally_ working too! Just damn wonderful!" Shouted Roy as he attempted to protect his hair from his hands.

"My blood seal!" Shrieked Alphonse, hands over his helmet.

"Shit, Mustang, we gotta go! Grab a damn symbol of Satan and c'mon!" Screamed Ed, grabbing Al by the arm and dashing off down an aisle.

Roy and Havoc exchanged looks before sprinting after them.

As the group ran down an aisle toward the front of the store, the sounds of screaming and shouting grew louder.

"Way to go, Havoc. Ruin Christmas, why don't 'cha?" Yelled Roy as they ran down an empty aisle, looking left and right for a tree.

"Here!" Squealed Alphonse.

Roy and Havoc darted over to the Elrics, who stood before a pine tree a head taller than Alphonse. The nearby sign proclaimed the tree to be 45,000 cenz.

"How the hell are we supposed to move that thing?" Exclaimed Roy, staring at the tree.

"We'll figure it out!" Yelled Havoc as he and Alphonse held onto the tree while Edward cut it down via alchemy.

"And just because the place is burning down doesn't mean I'll be roped into paying 45,000 cenz!"

"Just steal the tree!" Replied an exasperated Edward as he finished chopping said tree down.

"We could use some help, Colonel!" Urged Havoc as he and the Elrics attempted to lift the tree.

Grumbling to himself, Roy strode over and grabbed the trunk of the tree. With the additional strength, the four hefted the tree out into the aisle and headed for the front of the greenhouse.

"Hey, shouldn't we avoid going out the front with the tree we're stealing?" Asked Edward as he struggled to heft the tree.

"We're not stealing it!"

"Yes we are!" Replied Havoc. "We've caused enough trouble here!"

Three sets of eyes shot glares at the smoker.

"What do you mean, 'we?'" Spat Roy.

"And besides," Continued Havoc, ignoring his superior, "leaving some place that's burning down alongside the Flame Alchemist probably isn't the best idea."

Roy's glare fell from his face as his expression shifted to narrowed eyes and a frown.

"Thanks, Havoc. Thanks for that."

"No problem, sir."

Roy bit back a scream.

"Why do I _always_ have to be responsible for you dumbasses?" He demanded, glaring at the three others.

Havoc shrugged and Ed grinned.

"'Cuz you're our superior, _boss_."

This time Roy did scream.

"Hey, there's an emergency exit over there. C'mon." Said Havoc, changing directions to the left.

"Can we hurry? My blood seal…" Whimpered Alphonse.

"You heard the kid, Mustang- Hurry it up!"

The Flame Alchemist rolled his eyes as they approached the emergency exit.

Havoc pivoted, turning around to open the door by leaning on it.

"Just a sec." Said Roy, dropping his portion of the tree and turning around, causing the others to stagger from the new weight.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Screeched Edward. "We're almost out and this place is on fire!"

"Though no one seemed to care about that issue for the past ten minutes that the fires have been burning…" Muttered Alphonse.

"Calm down, Fullmetal. Let's get going."

Roy hefted the tree trunk once more and the group headed out the door and away to the parking lot.

The door slammed shut, leaving Team Mustang with more disgruntled holiday memories and the greenhouse's lawn with a 2,000 cenz note from the government's favorite arsonist.

* * *

Why was this so long when I just wanted to write about a tree theft?

Apologies if there are any editing errors- I kind of hurried to finish the chapter.

And yes, they got a bit OOC, didn't they? Gah...

All I've learned is that Team Mustang's fire drills must be mayhem since these dumbasses didn't give a shit about multiple fires igniting around them. Hawkeye is the only smart one in this chapter. She's currently waiting outside guarding the civilians. The Flame Alchemist can handle flames, so she thinks.

The Elrics can too, but Ed's hatred of Christmas and desire to see Roy Mustang squirm got in the way of helping, I guess.

Thanks for reading!


End file.
